ACCEPTANCE

October 6, 2004

BE HAPPY ZONE
By Lionel Ketchian

QUESTION: Thank you for your help. You said some things that were new for me and also had some really useful suggestions. You said: "start feeling and being as happy as you can." I am confused about something else you said. I think you said: "Do not resist feeling bad about where you are now." I know I am missing something here. What am I not getting? I know the answer will help! "Feeling bad" seems completely inconsistent with the "Happiness Decision." In fact I heard you and George Ortega on The Happiness Show on TV say that we should think ONLY good thoughts. What about the ten day mental challenge that Tony Robbins talks about, where he says you should immediately change any negative thoughts that come to you into positive.

If I do what you suggest (and do not resist feeling bad about where I am now) then I WILL feel bad and will NOT be in a positive space. So what I usually do much of the time is work real hard at CHANGING those negative thoughts that come knocking billions of times a day, which to me is the same as the "Happiness Decision." Then I fall flat on my face, yes, I often want to give up because of the excruciating pain of the isolation that comes from my social anxiety and panic.

So how do I reconcile these seemingly opposite thoughts? Do not resist feeling bad about where I am versus not letting the negative thoughts in? Maybe you mean I just need to accept where I am with the social anxiety. Yes, that part makes sense and is helpful. But, again, if I let myself FEEL BAD about where I am, that just seems like a set up to get more and more depressed. I would be really grateful, Lionel, if you could clarify this issue. For me, it just seems that I MUST STAY AWAY from feeling bad in any way shape or form since it is one BIG invitation to just "go under." Thank you so much!

MY ANSWER: Your questions are so important and central to the issue of happiness. You have tried to resist negative feelings for a great deal of your life and so far it has not worked for you. So I do not want you to resist what you feel or experience. It is the resistance that is causing you all the problems. If you just accept that you feel bad right now, then you can accept your feeling without making yourself feel worse that you feel something negative. The reason non-acceptance is a problem is that what ever is making you unhappy has already happened. There is nothing you can do about it. By accepting it you are not fighting yourself. You eliminate the feeling of turning the situation into one of feeling like you have become a victim.

As Eckhart Tolle wrote in his book, The Power Of Now: "By watching the mechanics of the mind, you step out of its resistance patterns, and you can then allow the present moment to be. This will give you a taste of the state of inner freedom from external conditions, the state of true inner peace. Then see what happens, and take action if necessary or possible. Accept -- then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life."

Also by accepting the way you are for right now, for this moment only. You free yourself from wanting things to be different in the future. Only by total acceptance of now can you do anything positive to change the future. Acceptance is the only way to change our state of mind. When we accept things, we don't make them into something that we start thinking about all the time. Once we start thinking about things that we don't accept, we start the down hill spiral of unhappiness, hopelessness and helplessness.

You can't change what has already happened to you. You can only choose to accept it. Once you accept it, you have done more to change it than you ever could do by not accepting it. Real happiness is possible when we just observe what is happening inside us and how we are reacting. Don't try to change yourself, just become more aware of yourself. The more aware of yourself you become the more conscious you will be. Once you increase the awareness of how you feel right now, and you can start to choose happiness. But you will only be able to choose it to the degree that you are aware of the fact that you actually have a choice.

Don't try to be happy, choose it and be happy. Being happy will allow you to take control of your thinking. Being unhappy allows your thinking to take control of you. By not having control of our thinking and happiness we create our problems. By not being accepting we allow unhappiness to step in. We cannot change this moment. Acceptance of this moment allows us to experience peace. We may not like what has happened but we can be at peace with it. This allows us the peace of mind to see what our best choices are now.

Our next Happiness Club meeting will be on Thursday, October 14, from 7:00 - 9:00 P.M. There will be a presentation called, "Being Happy!" We will also have author Cathie Pike give us a short presentation from her new book, Generous Moments. Cathie says: "the book is a celebration of everyday kindness -- the little good deeds that provide a bright moment for others, yet often appear to go unnoticed or unappreciated. My goal is to inspire people's awareness of generous moments around them that happen every day. It's contagious." The meeting will be held at the Sullivan Independence Hall, Fairfield, CT 06824. Admission is free; everyone is welcome. Look forward to seeing you. Come on down, meet some great people, get connected, and be happy.