Losing A Loved One

November 29, 2006

BE HAPPY ZONE
By Lionel Ketchian

How do we handle the heavy experience of the death of a family member, a loved one or a friend? If you ask other people they will offer you many ways to handle the death of someone close to us. But, what is best for you?

This past Thanksgiving a woman I know, suddenly and unexpectedly, lost her husband on Thanksgiving Day. It was not only sad that she lost her husband on Thanksgiving Day but also the fact that they both had just recently retired and were ready to live their life made it even more tragic. They were going to drive to Florida and spend time in the warm sunny climate till spring.

I spoke with her to explain my sorrow about hearing of her loss. What I found was a beautiful example of a person who was dealing extremely well with a situation she realized that she had no power to change. She explained to me that she knew she did everything she could for him. She said that she realized that she needed to accept what happened, even though she was shocked that it did happen. She said she had a strong faith and she was using her faith. What good are religious convictions if you don't use them when you need them? She did not just believe in her religion, she was using it for her own good. She was putting the artfulness of acceptance to work for her so she could minimize the suffering that would work against her.

She said that she felt the prayers and good wishes from friends and that it added comfort to her. She explained that she had a strong support network of friends and family which was extremely helpful to her. She even explained that if they were on the trip and her husband had the heart attack while he was driving the car, things could have been much worse and many people could have been killed or injured.

By accepting the way things are for you right now, for this moment only, you free yourself from wanting things to be different. Acceptance is the only way to change and free your state of mind. When you accept things, you don't make them into something that you start thinking about all the time. Once you start thinking about things that you don't accept, you start the down hill spiral of unhappiness, hopelessness, and helplessness and suffering. You can't change what has already happened to you, but you can choose to accept it.

I am not telling you to resist what you feel or experience. It is the resistance you experience that is causing you all the problems. Just accept that you feel bad for now. You can accept your feeling without making yourself feel worse. The reason non-acceptance is a problem is that what ever is making you unhappy has already happened and there is nothing you can do about it. By accepting it you stop fighting yourself. You eliminate feeling like you have become a victim in the situation.

Once you accept the situation, you have done more to change it than you could ever do by not accepting it. Real happiness is possible when we just observe what is happening inside us and how we are reacting. It is important not to try to change yourself, just become more aware of yourself. The more aware of yourself you become the more conscious you will be. Once you increase the awareness of how you feel right now, you can start to choose happiness. But you will only be able to choose happiness to the degree that you are aware of the existence that you actually have a choice.

Don't try to be happy, choose it and be happy. Being happy will allow you to take control of your thinking. Being unhappy allows your thinking to take control of you and creates suffering. By not having control of your thinking and happiness you create your problems. By not being accepting you allow unhappiness to step in. You cannot change this moment. Acceptance of this moment allows us to experience peace. You may not like what has happened but you can be at peace with it. This allows you the peace of mind to see what your best choices are now.

Our next Happiness Club meeting will be a presentation called: "Happiness Right Now!" by Lionel Ketchian. We will show a 5-minute video of the WTNH Channel 8 TV News segment with Ann Nyberg reporting on the Happiness Club. Conversation and holiday festivities follow! We'll have coffee for you, please bring some cake & cookies to share. The meeting will be held on Thursday, December 7, from 7:00 - 9:00 P.M. at the Fairfield Public Library, in the Rotary Room at 1080 Old Post Road, Fairfield. Meet some wonderful people using happiness in their lives. Admission is free and everyone is welcome. For further information call Lionel Ketchian at 203 258-7777 or www.happinessclub.com.