GOOD GRIEF!
November 30, 2005

BE HAPPY ZONE
By Lionel Ketchian

Is there such a thing as "good" grief? You might encounter other words for grief such as anguish, bereavement, depression, distress, heartache, sorrow, suffering, vexation and woe. They don't sound too good, do they?

We have been told that it is good to grieve when we lose someone we love. Of course, when we lose someone we love, we experience pain from the loss. This is natural and it is part of life, as we know it from our viewpoint. The pain is a part of the separation we feel for the loss of the loved one being taken from our life. It just does not seem fair. But is it good to grieve?

One way of looking at all this is to understand that we are faced with something we have absolutely no control over. When someone we know or love dies, we must accept that fact. We experience unhappiness because we did not want what happened to have transpired. Yet, it happened, whether we like it or not.

Let me ask you a question. What good does your grief do for you? Does it change the situation? Remember the Serenity Prayer? "God grant me Serenity (Happiness) to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference." Basically, it is about acceptance of what you cannot change. Of course, the important part is having the wisdom to know the difference between things you can change and things you cannot. In matters of death as well as many other things, we seem to fight that which we cannot change. We want to control things that are uncontrollable.

Are you starting to see the problem you are creating by trying to control what you cannot? Yes, of course, it is impossible and no one can do it. There is another problem that also occurs. When you are busy trying to control what you can't you are wasting your energy, instead of using that energy to control what you can. Do you know the one thing you can control? It's yourself.

Why not take real control of what you can. If you can't change something, don't let it change you! You always have a choice over how you will respond to what has happened. You may not have the choice to change something or prevent it from happening, but it is your choice to recognize what you are going to do about it…now! Most of the time we act as if we did not want something to happen, but we are forgetting that it has already happened. The real question is what are you going to do about it now? Is grieving really of benefit to you and your family?

As Harold S. Kushner the author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People said, "Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life. We can't explain it any more than we can explain life itself. We can't control it, or sometimes even postpone it. All we can do is try to rise beyond the question, "Why did it happen?" and begin to ask the question, "What do I do now that it has happened?"

If we could learn to accept things we can't change we would undergo far less suffering. Pain is a fact of life. If you live long enough you will see and experience pain. When you hold on to pain by emotionally prolonging it, you create unbelievable suffering. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Pick up a hot coal and you will experience pain, hold on to it and don't let go of it and you will experience suffering. The faster you let go of pain the less you will suffer. Spencer Johnson, in The Precious Present said, "Pain is the difference between what is and what I want it to be."

If you love someone you don't have to suffer to prove that you loved him or her. You don't have to suffer to prove anything to yourself or anyone else. You don't need to suffer to prove you are in pain. Acceptance is the best thing you can do. Accept the pain and it will subside. Resistance to pain is the formula for more suffering. What you resist will continue and what you accept, you can transcend.

Let's make use of joy and happiness in our lives. Once we are unhappy about events, we are immediately off balance. We are not in the right frame of mind and our health suffers as well. Being happy shows the loved ones in our lives how important they are to us. We think enough of them that we want to be thoughtful and loving to them. Children learn to deal with pain to a great extent by the way adults in their lives react to it, or the way those adults respond to it. Give the lifetime lessons of not turning pain into life-long suffering. Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss) said, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

Our next Happiness Club meeting will be a presentation called: "Happiness for You!" by Lionel Ketchian. A 38-minute film called "Conversations in Happiness" will be shown. It is a movie with Dr. Robert & Barbara Muller and Lionel about the wisdom of happiness. Conversation and holiday festivities will follow! The meeting is Thursday, December 8, from 7:00-9:00 p.m. at the newly renovated Fairfield Public Library, in the Rotary Room at 1080 Old Post Road, Fairfield. Meet some wonderful people using happiness in their lives. Admission is free; everyone is welcome. We will have coffee so please bring cookies to share.

Lionel Ketchian is the founder of the Happiness Club and can be reached at PrintLRK@aol.com. The Web site is www.happinessclub.com.