The GOOD the BAD, the HAPPY and SAD

December 15, 2004

BE HAPPY ZONE
By Lionel Ketchian

Dear Lionel,
I read your articles on the HappinessClub.com website. Your explanation about accepting things which we have no control over in our life so that we can have peace of mind. At the bare minimum, the problem will not be a problem at all if we accept things, which are not in our control. I must say that this is the best explanation I have read so far.

But there is one point, which you have written about that said those things happen for a good reason. We may not agree with the reason from our viewpoint but your advice is that we accept it. I was thinking, isn't it a little pessimistic to accept that? At times, things happen because of the another party's actions which were none of our concern but we got 'suck' in or somehow it affected us, but it's no fault of our own. Isn't it 'sad' if we have to accept it and be withdrawn to avoid confrontation so that we can have peace of mind? How can we accept all these things which we have no control over and yet have peace of mind? Regards, Diana

Dear Diana,

Thanks for your question. I really appreciate your interest in using happiness to find the answers to the problems life presents to us.

Things happen for a reason and you may never know the real reason that they happen. But if you choose to look at all this from the viewpoint of everything happens for the best. You are putting yourself in a much better state of mind than always complaining that bad things happen to you. How do you really know that they ultimately are not happening for your best? A flat tire may save your life if the office had a bad fire that morning and it made you late for work. Sometimes we never know the benefits of things that happen. When we accept things, we don't turn them into something that we don't like and can't deal with. Once we engage our compulsive thinking about the things that we don't accept, we start the down hill spiral of unhappiness, hopelessness and helplessness.

You can't change what has already happened to you. You can only choose to accept it. This is very important because most people are fighting the fact that something has already happened. People act as if being mad about it happening will change everything back to the way it was. Once something has happened, it has already happened and becoming unhappy about it will only make you less capable of being levelheaded and taking the best action. You are upset when something changes from what you expected to something you did not expect. Once you accept it, you have done more to change it than you ever could do by not accepting it. The reason for this is that now that you accept it you can see what choices you now have available to you in this moment.

Diana, you ask, "Isn't it 'sad' if we have to accept it and be withdrawn to avoid confrontation so that we can have peace of mind?" Please understand that I am saying accept what has happened, but I am not saying to you that you should avoid confrontation. It may be important to show someone something they have done that is not right. Many times that is something that needs to be done. If you do it with happiness, than you are doing it with power and effectiveness. You can do it to teach the person about something they may need to understand. You don't need to have control over people and impose being right so that you can feel that you are the winner.

I think the heart of your question is best answered by the fact that everything that happens has an affect on you. If you think it is "good," you enjoy it. If you think it is "bad," you resist it, and it is resistance that makes you suffer. Resistance can turn pain into suffering. Furthermore, the "bad stuff" may have come into our life for a good reason. Possibly to create a challenge within us in order for us to make a change for the better, develop ourselves and learn something valuable, or become stronger and better.

In my life situation Diana, I was told I had diabetes. Once I accepted it I began to do everything I could to reverse it. I have accomplished the essential control and am working on the elimination of my diabetes. Instead of being sad and not accepting my condition, I used acceptance and happiness to learn everything I could and put it into practice. I can actually say that I am grateful for the diabetes, because I am now healthier and leaner as a result of practicing good eating discipline and stronger using a consistent exercise program. I may owe my life to the fact that I developed diabetes. I am off five medications that I was taking to control my health. We need to see the good in every situation, if we look at it that way Diane than we can understand that life is good and all things happen for the best. If we don't look at it that way then even good things are never enough.

"Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing - no-one to blame," says Erica Jong. Her words imply that when you stop blaming others for things, you become responsible for your life and everything in it. It may not always be your fault that things are happening, but it is your responsibility. When you become accountable for yourself, a wonderful thing happens - less bad stuff happens to you.

Peace of mind comes with happiness. Being happy will allow you to take control of your thinking. Being unhappy allows your thinking to take control of you. By not having control of your thinking and your happiness you create your problems. By not being accepting you allow unhappiness to step in. You cannot change this moment. Acceptance of this moment allows you to experience peace. You may not like what has happened but you can be at peace with it. This allows you the peace of mind, the clarity and wisdom to see what your best choices are for right now.

Our next Happiness Club meeting will be on Thursday, December 16, from 7:00 - 9:00 P.M. We are having a Holiday get-together. The event will be held at the Sullivan Independence Hall, Fairfield. Please bring a food dish or snack to share with others. We will have coffee and refreshments. Admission is free; everyone is welcome. Look forward to seeing you. Come on down, meet some great people, share some holiday joy and get connected, and be happy.